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Tricia's Blog Part 4

I'm sick of being sick. Let me clue you in on a little secret about chemotherapy... the novelty wears off after the first treatment. Looking back, I see myself as almost cocky, walking into the treatment room the first day with hair still on my head. There was a certain excitement to a new experience.

I have three chemotherapy treatments left and two weeks after the end of treatment, I will have a double mastectomy. I found out upon our retu from Greece that I am positive for the BRCA 1 mutation. Herein lies the source of my biggest fear-I will come out of the double mastectomy boob-less! Remember when I said I knew there would be more milestones? I look back at my hair loss and the trauma it caused and I laugh...that was nothing compared to thinking about waking up without breasts and a giant gash of a scar where they used to be.

Perhaps surgery wouldn't be so frightening if I was going to get reconstructive surgery at the same time, but because the radiation treatment can damage the results, I must wait for six months after the radiation is complete. I will live with nothing but expanders (temporary implants that stretch your breast muscle and are hopefully less terrifying than nothing at all) until I recover enough from the first surgery and radiation to get reconstructive surgery. Reconstructive surgery will likely be scheduled for the end of next summer, which will be more than one year after I was first diagnosed. Sometimes it feels like this year will never end. I'm terrified of the surgery and am in a weird state of limbo of wanting chemo to end, but wanting it to go on forever to avoid the surgery.

I know I have friends and family reading this, but I'm all for honesty. When the time comes around for reconstructive surgery (a lifetime away) the doctors will create a new nipple for me. It will not have feeling in it and this bums me out. The last step after reconstructive surgery is to get a tattoo. No, I will not be getting "Suck it Cancer" tattooed on my ankle. I will get an areola tattooed to my skin around the fake nipple or "fipple" as I call it. This time last year, I was still breast feeding Grace. The magnitude of that pendulum swing is too much for me to comprehend sometimes.

Tricia enjoys some pampering at The Loft Salon By Michael Albor		Tricia leas some beauty tricks		Checking out the final results

 

Getting some TLC from Michael		The Loft Salon By Michael Albor
Photography: Nina Gallant

 

A Silver Lining

I continue to set up little milestones and events to look forward to in order to keep my spirits positive. Just as I'm beginning to feel down, there is a visit from an old friend, a reunion with former coworkers or a lunch date scheduled. I was in desperate need of one of these pick me ups when I retued to Michael Albor's salon for my hair and makeup day. While I had been wearing scarves and hats since losing my hair, I was looking forward to getting a lesson in putting my wig on. It tus out that putting on a wig takes about as much effort as putting on a hat.

Michael invited Bre Welch, a fabulous makeup artist, to come by and complete my look. My makeup looked amazing and Bre gave me a few tips that I could do at home. I discovered yet another silver lining to losing my hair...the process of getting ready had been reduced to minutes and with Bre's makeup tips, I was able to avoid that "cancer patient" look and put some color back into my face.

As treatment wears on, these milestones have become vital to keeping a positive attitude. Having something to look forward to helps me to put one foot in front of the other and continue to trudge through this process even when I feel like it will never end. I find myself building a world that centers around positive vibes and good times-unfortunately, life can't be a party all of the time and it's becoming harder to pick myself up in spite of all of the fun that I'm trying to have.

Elissa and Tricia ready themselves for Nantucket		Elissa and Nina join Tricia at lunch after the salon visit

 

An Emotional Time

I'm getting tired of being such a good cancer patient with a positive outlook and am beginning to feel truly overwhelmed! While writing has helped me process a lot of my feelings, I think it may be time for a support group. Realizing this, I contacted the hospital's social worker and I have a meeting scheduled this week. During our phone call, she told me that it's common for patients to reach the point of feeling overwhelmed around the third month. It's funny to realize how "textbook" my reactions and feelings are and that I'm experiencing cancer in the much the same way everyone else does. And here I thought I was special.

Speaking of being in the same boat, my younger sister has tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutation as well. She is cancer-free and had a double mastectomy and reconstruction last week. My older sister tested negative and does not carry the mutation. I'm having a hard time with this as I'm sure the rest of my family is. I love my sister and know she's going through a difficult thing right now. I want to be supportive and be there for her, but I struggle with the level of involvement I've had with her surgery, which has been minimum. I need to keep focused on chemotherapy and fighting cancer and don't want to increase my anxiety by getting a preview of this difficult surgery. I feel as though my sister was given a gift by having the opportunity to test for the genetic mutation before developing cancer and was empowered with information that ultimately enabled her to skip the disease; I have to admit to some feelings of anger and jealousy as a result.

For the first time since I was diagnosed, I find myself asking "why me?" My life is being held hostage by cancer and there's nothing I can do to manage the situation until I've kicked it to the curb. Yup! It's time for some therapy; I'd rather be able to relate to my sister and find comfort with one another rather than letting this gene wreak more havoc in my life.

I found out yesterday that my surgery has been scheduled for the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I had suggested to my oncologist that we wait until December 8th, so that Lee and I could celebrate our anniversary on December 6th and my birthday on the 7th.

She told me, "Pick another day to celebrate." Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is her job to make me cancer free and she's doing a fabulous job, but it's not her job to be warm and fuzzy or make sure I have a happy birthday. The countdown has begun...in the meantime, my girlfriend Elissa and I are getting away for a girls weekend in Nantucket. Let the good times roll!